Future Family

Dear Kim and Reggie,

I was very distraught to hear that you broke up today. I saw the announcement in the gossip section which must mean that your relationship was really big time; when I tried to send my last breakup announcement in for publication, it never made it. I even tried to make it sound really bad like there was infidelity and craziness (I took a page from John and Kate) and nothing. Not even a small blurb on Entertainment Tonight. You, on the other hand managed to make front page news with a CIVIL breakup. Not even a little bit of chaos - totally amicable. Which is why I ask you, will you please stay together?

Let's think about the bennies (that's cool slang for benefits) for both of you:

Reggie, Kim is extra famous in my book - mainly because she does what so few people have the ability to do. . . be famous for nothing. She has built an empire out of nothingness and in this day in age, that takes talent. Dad was a lawyer (but who's isn't) and mom married a former Olympian who nobody would remember that well if it weren't for the Kardashians. Now, she has a gazillion dollars and it all came from ambition. . . sort of. . . how sort of impressive is that?

In addition, you'd always be surrounded by good company. Kim comes from what could be the most crude yet entertaining family of all time. Her mom is a bit crazy, pops is a motivational speaker for a living, and her siblings are funny as crap - Especially Khloe except that she is always trying to strip Kourtney down to her nothings. Oh wait, that's funny too! Plus, she doesn't even hang around the crazy girls that made her famous anymore (Paris Shmaris) so the annoyance factor has to be WAY down.

Kim is a socialite, Reggie. Do you know what that means? She gets invited to the swankiest clubs and gets paid to be there. No hassle, no issues. I feel like that's pretty conducive to your lifestyle and actually, a great convenience. Think about it.

Kim, p-r-o-f-e-s-s-i-o-n-a-l football player Reggie Bush!?!? Um, really, really ponder this one hard. Not only is he one of the most successful players in the league (thanks to his parents for the good genes) and one of the most well-known players in the league (thanks to your show Keeping Up. . .), he's filthy rich! Oh, and seems like an all-around nice guy who sponsors charity events and helps out in the community. I meant for that to come out before the rich thing but I couldn't help myself. Some of the ladies might also comment about what a looker he is as well (thanks again parents for the good genes) but I didn't want to bring it up because how fair is it to judge someone by their looks??!

Ok, so the bottom line is that you both are attractive, rich, ambitious, generally nice people. It's beyond me why this didn't work out. The paper says that your lives are headed in different directions. Is that figurative or literal because geography issues can be worked out! Kim, you can take New Orleans like your sisters did Miami! I'm just distraught. I hope that you'll both come to your senses soon or I don't know what Kim will talk about on the next season of Keeping Up. . . .

Praying for Reconciliation,

Me