We All Knew It

Dear Speidi,

And I use that term so excitedly for the last time.

I would like to thank you guys for finally putting an arrow through the heart of this mess and letting your made-up relationship finally bite the bullet.  We (the American public) thank you for doing what should have been done years ago and ending this charade.
I kind of don't know what to do with myself now, quite honestly.  You've been as big of a mystery to me as evolution is to the Pope (you see what I did there, I made a joke about evolution.  Heidi, evolution, see the tie?).  I just can honestly say I've never gotten any of it - the dating, the marriage, the real marriage, the surgery, the crystals, the facial hair (don't worry, Heidi, I'm talking to Spencer now.  The skin cells on your face are completely plastic and can't grow hair, silly), the fights, any of it.  Wow, there was actually a lot more substance there to "not get" than I thought.  I was sure that sentence would only be two or three items long. . .

Mostly, I'm sad when I see the reality couples finally bite the bullet because secretly, I hope that the power of television will keep them together.  But not you. . . no way.  When Heidi filed for separation, I was excited.  Now that she's filed for divorce, I may throw a fiesta.  Ole!

I do have a couple of words of advice: Spencer, look what cha did.  You took a sort of normal human and completely obliterated her.  You actually, physically turned her into plastic which, from what I can tell, eats brain cells once it's under the skin.  The poor girl probably couldn't even cry when the played the montage of her former self on national television.  There are laws against animal cruelty and I would say that you violated at least four of them.

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi.  Well, at least people won't call you Speidi, Speidi, Speidi anymore?  Um, before you opt-in for major reconstruction under the orders of your husband next time, maybe stop and ask yourself if there are TupperWare factories that could have better use for that plastic. . . oh and maybe if it's really what you want.  Go hug your mom for crying out loud.  She deserves at least that.  Darlene is America's new sweetheart after the way you treated her.  She could be the spokesperson for Normal Moms with Crazy Kids.

Anyway, I just wanted to say 'Thanks' again for the memories. . . that haunt me in my sleep.  I can't even believe I spent time on this, I'm just so relieved.

Crystal your way out of this one Spencer!

-Me

Future Family

Dear Kim and Reggie,

I was very distraught to hear that you broke up today. I saw the announcement in the gossip section which must mean that your relationship was really big time; when I tried to send my last breakup announcement in for publication, it never made it. I even tried to make it sound really bad like there was infidelity and craziness (I took a page from John and Kate) and nothing. Not even a small blurb on Entertainment Tonight. You, on the other hand managed to make front page news with a CIVIL breakup. Not even a little bit of chaos - totally amicable. Which is why I ask you, will you please stay together?

Let's think about the bennies (that's cool slang for benefits) for both of you:

Reggie, Kim is extra famous in my book - mainly because she does what so few people have the ability to do. . . be famous for nothing. She has built an empire out of nothingness and in this day in age, that takes talent. Dad was a lawyer (but who's isn't) and mom married a former Olympian who nobody would remember that well if it weren't for the Kardashians. Now, she has a gazillion dollars and it all came from ambition. . . sort of. . . how sort of impressive is that?

In addition, you'd always be surrounded by good company. Kim comes from what could be the most crude yet entertaining family of all time. Her mom is a bit crazy, pops is a motivational speaker for a living, and her siblings are funny as crap - Especially Khloe except that she is always trying to strip Kourtney down to her nothings. Oh wait, that's funny too! Plus, she doesn't even hang around the crazy girls that made her famous anymore (Paris Shmaris) so the annoyance factor has to be WAY down.

Kim is a socialite, Reggie. Do you know what that means? She gets invited to the swankiest clubs and gets paid to be there. No hassle, no issues. I feel like that's pretty conducive to your lifestyle and actually, a great convenience. Think about it.

Kim, p-r-o-f-e-s-s-i-o-n-a-l football player Reggie Bush!?!? Um, really, really ponder this one hard. Not only is he one of the most successful players in the league (thanks to his parents for the good genes) and one of the most well-known players in the league (thanks to your show Keeping Up. . .), he's filthy rich! Oh, and seems like an all-around nice guy who sponsors charity events and helps out in the community. I meant for that to come out before the rich thing but I couldn't help myself. Some of the ladies might also comment about what a looker he is as well (thanks again parents for the good genes) but I didn't want to bring it up because how fair is it to judge someone by their looks??!

Ok, so the bottom line is that you both are attractive, rich, ambitious, generally nice people. It's beyond me why this didn't work out. The paper says that your lives are headed in different directions. Is that figurative or literal because geography issues can be worked out! Kim, you can take New Orleans like your sisters did Miami! I'm just distraught. I hope that you'll both come to your senses soon or I don't know what Kim will talk about on the next season of Keeping Up. . . .

Praying for Reconciliation,

Me