Remember the Time

Dear Michael,

I'm sorry that I haven't written before now. You death was a tough pill to swallow and I've only recently come to grips with the fact that you didn't pay the hospital to fake your death to drop out of the limelight and that you are, in fact, dead. Yes, it took months to get over that small hope that it was a fake. Sad, I know. But, it's certainly not above me to write my dead peeps (just ask Ed), so here we go. . .

So, you lead this incredibly crazy life, right? I mean you were an abused black boy from Indiana who became a confused, acne-prone superstar as a teenager that eventually changed into a wealthy white woman that has a perplexing resemblance to Elizabeth Taylor?? That's the perception anyway. And not that there's anything wrong with that, I guess? I mean heaven knows that you should be forgiven of all your odd ways because of how you danced. I'm sure you are aware but your video-taped rehearsals topped the box office recently. Even your practicing is better than 90% of all major motion pictures. If that doesn't scream talent, I don't know what does. That's amazing crap right there that should get you some sort of "You can't make fun of me" pass or something? That seems only fair. Give a little, take a little. It all comes out in the wash.

So, you lead an abstract life? Who doesn't? Just because you thought you were Peter Pan and never wanted to grow up and lived in a magical fairy land of maids and cotton candy and Ferris wheels doesn't make you abnormal. Adults act like that all the time. . . at least they would if they had the phrase "muti-platinum" on either side of their name and had the bones to pick up the tab for all the fun. I give you credit for all the money you blew - at least you did what you wanted? I spend my money on lame things like bills and gasoline. Not once have I rented a Ferris wheel let alone owned a theme park. Good for you. BTW, the gold casket was a very opulent touch. I like.

So all of the oddities of your life and your house and your skin and your hair (which I'm glad you still had after that Pepsi incident - man that was scary, huh? I hope you fired your pyrotechnic people. I would have fired mine if they let my locks catch a flame. . . that and if I HAD pyro people to fire. As an afterthought, do you think when you tell pyrotechnic people that they are "fired", they think you are telling them to work because FIRE is what they do? I digress. . . ) aside, there is one thing (OK, probably multiple) that I can't seem to wrap my mind around: your three spawn. It's funny how all the other stuff fades away in lieu of a genetic mystery.

You kids are white, Mike. Tan at best but even the whitest folks can accomplish that at the local Bed and Burn tanning salon. I know that you were white in your last 20 or so years but it's kind of not the same. . . I mean bleach is bleach and genetics are genetics.

You left everyone is quite the pickle about those three mask-wearers. After you left (died is such a harsh word Mike. . . because in my heart, you'll never die), all sorts of loonies came out of the word-work saying that they were your "baby daddys" and trying to get custody and all sorts of things. The weird thing is that every dude that claimed parenthood was also white. You'd think that if there was any confusion about the kids' race, at least one minority would have come out with a claim, yeah? One? Nope.

Now your kids are running around with the rest of the Jackson 5 and your boob-exposing sister. There are rumors that your abusive pops is going to try and take them on tour as some traveling circus and they are finally getting their hair cut but having to drench the cut locks in acid basically so that nobody can prove their genetic makeup. Now I'm sure you were a good dad to them - I'd love a private showing of the Fall Collection of toys at the local FAO at all hours of the night too, if I were a kid (ok, maybe now). . . I just don't know what you did on this one and it makes me nervous.

Al I have to say is that LaToya better not be involved in whatever scam might have gone on because losing two American Icons in one year is just not an option. I mean three. . . sorry about that Ed.

Was it really Billie Jean?

-Me