We All Knew It

Dear Speidi,

And I use that term so excitedly for the last time.

I would like to thank you guys for finally putting an arrow through the heart of this mess and letting your made-up relationship finally bite the bullet.  We (the American public) thank you for doing what should have been done years ago and ending this charade.
I kind of don't know what to do with myself now, quite honestly.  You've been as big of a mystery to me as evolution is to the Pope (you see what I did there, I made a joke about evolution.  Heidi, evolution, see the tie?).  I just can honestly say I've never gotten any of it - the dating, the marriage, the real marriage, the surgery, the crystals, the facial hair (don't worry, Heidi, I'm talking to Spencer now.  The skin cells on your face are completely plastic and can't grow hair, silly), the fights, any of it.  Wow, there was actually a lot more substance there to "not get" than I thought.  I was sure that sentence would only be two or three items long. . .

Mostly, I'm sad when I see the reality couples finally bite the bullet because secretly, I hope that the power of television will keep them together.  But not you. . . no way.  When Heidi filed for separation, I was excited.  Now that she's filed for divorce, I may throw a fiesta.  Ole!

I do have a couple of words of advice: Spencer, look what cha did.  You took a sort of normal human and completely obliterated her.  You actually, physically turned her into plastic which, from what I can tell, eats brain cells once it's under the skin.  The poor girl probably couldn't even cry when the played the montage of her former self on national television.  There are laws against animal cruelty and I would say that you violated at least four of them.

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi.  Well, at least people won't call you Speidi, Speidi, Speidi anymore?  Um, before you opt-in for major reconstruction under the orders of your husband next time, maybe stop and ask yourself if there are TupperWare factories that could have better use for that plastic. . . oh and maybe if it's really what you want.  Go hug your mom for crying out loud.  She deserves at least that.  Darlene is America's new sweetheart after the way you treated her.  She could be the spokesperson for Normal Moms with Crazy Kids.

Anyway, I just wanted to say 'Thanks' again for the memories. . . that haunt me in my sleep.  I can't even believe I spent time on this, I'm just so relieved.

Crystal your way out of this one Spencer!

-Me